can we stay here? maybe i don’t want to know you too well. i want to float, just let my heart flutter in this safety no expectations, no pressure let me keep dreaming of your mouth mumbling lovely compliments moving … Continue reading
may5
Today I just want to feel nothing and be nothing and just disappear because yeah love is more than worth it but there isn’t any. It was gone with you, and I haven’t seen it since, and that’s the fucking truth.
I’m talking about real, infinite, sure love. As sure as my eyes were locked on you walking across the stage floor to the piano, as sure as my heart was flying the first time we spoke, as sure as our first kiss laughing in my bed, as sure as your voice when you stated, “I am in love with you,” on a city bus loud enough for passengers around us to hear.
Some shitty adult things made me break down and cry last night. Then I fell asleep and dreamt of you again in my boyfriend’s bed.
A small group of my friends brought me to your house. I didn’t know where we were going. Somehow they didn’t know anything about us even knowing each other. Just unfortunate mutual friends. I was shocked to see you, but I kept my cool as best I could. I had no idea how to act around you. I just tried to keep them oblivious.
I didn’t want to yell at you or hit you or even ignore you. I don’t remember talking to you much there. I do remember that your house was also your fiance’s house, but she wasn’t home. It’s almost like you knew I was coming. I bet you did. You suspiciously glanced over at me once in a while, just like you used to in a room of people. I guess you can only dream of someone how you knew them to be. You would probably look and act much differently now.
After my friends and I went home, I spent time looking for your social media profiles. I don’t know why I’d want to further torture myself, but that’s what I did. I’m not sure if my awake, real life self would do that. I haven’t in a long time, and we’ve had each other blocked on everything for years. Sometimes it feels like you aren’t even real, like you just vanished into thin air. Maybe I want to keep it that way.
I woke up today with very puffy eyes.
I hate you. Get out of my head. Get out of my sleep. Get out of my life. When things start to feel good, you appear and then I feel like this. I say all this, and I am so angry, but I want to talk to you. I want to talk, but I don’t want you to know what you’ve done 4 years later. And I don’t want to see how well you’re doing or how good you look or the woman you’re with. I’m so sick of mundane, small conversations and it sucks to say that you never, ever gave me that. You were actually fucking interesting. I thought you were the sexiest thing alive. And now I just hate you so much but you’re still here, in my head. You’re here when I’m with the man I love. Most of all you’re here when I’m alone. You’re here right now while I drink this sizable glass of wine that’s making me turn this anger into a desire for hate sex. I want to yell at you and apologize and apologize. I want your apologies too. I just can’t picture any scenario that wouldn’t just boost your ego. I feel like there are no words I can say to you that will change the way I feel.
I need something. And then I need to never see or hear of you again.
I am a flower
with too many bees
wishing to be pulled from my roots.
I am a field
with too many trees
crowding on me with their boots.
I am a fruit
with too many seeds
but my skin is shiny and smooth.
I am a friend
to all enemies;
afraid to ask them to move.
My epic love is complex and unique
Forever inspiring, learning, laughing
I crave that beautiful pain
Where love is so intense, it crushes your heart
When I come across it, it explodes faster than my preparedness
Overpowering any logical thoughts
Distracting me from everything.
Serenade me with the voice of your passion.
I want to look at you like I listen to my favorite song
My gaze is singing in your eyes
Dreaming of admittance to your enticing thoughts
And a slow, hesitant first kiss.
I love you, and you know.
But my desire to hate you
is almost as heavy as my desire to be yours.
Why are you torturing me like this?
I did it.
I convinced you that we’re innocent
that we’re “good”
that I’m Okay.
I spoke to you with only pity in my eyes
to shield my own pain
I did it.
I stopped torturing myself
at least Temporarily.
last night I did not cry.
what does it mean
if you really Believe me?
I lie awake, worrying
are you contemplating death?
we say this love is finished
but seem skeptical yet.
you now know of my love
so has anything changed?
are you more afraid now?
do you feel the same?
you never will say
because you think I’ll be hurt.
and maybe you’re right
but it can’t get much worse.
I lie awake, hoping
that this love could still work.
How do you see through me
In my greatest attempt?
Though my simulated joy pains my heart
You comprehending the truth
Would be far worse.
I have to keep denying
Trying
If you knew, you would leave.
My desperate tears at night
Are at war with the words I speak
To your breathtaking eyes.
Though there is no truth
No reason to cry
Or laugh
Or love you
I do.
myskittishramblings 