fantasies keep you safe

i know that feeling

sitting in your room, desire consuming you

and an intrusive uncertainty

disoriented in lonely admiration

with your eyes shut

painting her in wispy, wild, wonderful strokes

she is sleeping, cleaning, fixing her hair in the mirror

sipping a floral tea, pulling back the drapes to welcome the morning sun.

she is kissing down your body, smiling up at you

thanking you for loving her so perfectly

it’s you that has created the deepest stains with her imaginary colours

but she is there, just how you wish her to be.

Get out of my head.

I hate you. Get out of my head. Get out of my sleep. Get out of my life. When things start to feel good, you appear and then I feel like this. I say all this, and I am so angry, but I want to talk to you. I want to talk, but I don’t want you to know what you’ve done 4 years later. And I don’t want to see how well you’re doing or how good you look or the woman you’re with. I’m so sick of mundane, small conversations and it sucks to say that you never, ever gave me that. You were actually fucking interesting. I thought you were the sexiest thing alive. And now I just hate you so much but you’re still here, in my head. You’re here when I’m with the man I love. Most of all you’re here when I’m alone. You’re here right now while I drink this sizable glass of wine that’s making me turn this anger into a desire for hate sex. I want to yell at you and apologize and apologize. I want your apologies too. I just can’t picture any scenario that wouldn’t just boost your ego. I feel like there are no words I can say to you that will change the way I feel.

I need something. And then I need to never see or hear of you again.

never alone feels lonely somehow/pick another girl

 

I am a flower

with too many bees

wishing to be pulled from my roots.

 

I am a field

with too many trees

crowding on me with their boots.

 

I am a fruit

with too many seeds

but my skin is shiny and smooth.

 

I am a friend

to all enemies;

afraid to ask them to move.

in my room

I fear my thoughts

my hands in the dark

but I will not burden others

I go home

I stay in my room.