not what i expected/update

It seems like the more time I spend with other guys, the more I miss my ex. I was also sick with a fever all weekend, alone in my house, so I’ve probably also had way too much time to think. When you’re sick and you can’t go anywhere, your thoughts are hard to get away from.

A few days ago I told Michael I just wasn’t in it enough. He really wanted a relationship with me and it wasn’t fair for me to keep him going like that. He’s a good guy. I told him at my place and at first he was really upset, but now I think we’re okay. He still sat with me in our math class yesterday and we were friendly. It would be cool to be friends.

After spending a little more time with Josh, I’ve realized that he’s really not my type of guy. Partly because his face reeks of marijuana on the regular, and because he started calling me his ‘girl’ and ‘babe’ on the second date, and because he texts too much… I’m just getting a weird, clingy vibe from him. It’s hard to tell him, but I know I have to do it very soon.

Things with Peter are going pretty okay, actually. He’s surprisingly sweet, loves going out to new places with me, and the sex is pretty good. I’m by no means infatuated with him, but I think that’s a good thing. It’s a pretty casual, chill thing we have going. Since I’ve become more aware of this growing grief for my ex, I’m trying to think of my relationship with Peter as some sort of satisfaction for my loneliness so that I can focus on bettering myself emotionally, physically, and academically.

Oh, if you’ve been keeping up with these posts lately, that ‘douchebag’ guy from my classes that I was talking about a couple posts ago has actually been finding excuses to talk to me. He told me his name is Lucas. And he is very pretty.

Oops, I had three dates this week

Occasionally, I still think about my ex and I cry. We had something special, even though he’s kind of a monster. But after almost four months of lonely, I am officially dating again.

So I’ve sort of been seeing this cute nerdy guy from class (Michael) for about a month, but there are a few things I don’t really like about him that are making me unsure. I don’t think I can see him as a boyfriend (which is what he wants to be), but we have this awesome sense of humor in common and I am starting to feel comfortable around him.

I went to an EDM show at my college last week and met a really cool guy there. We danced together for a while as strangers, then I saw him and his friend at the bar later and we started taking. His name is Peter, and he’s a year younger than me. He texted me in the morning and we ended up going out for coffee and a walk the next day. I had a REALLY good time with him, better than I had expected. He plays sports, his family is really close, he cares about his grades, and we have a lot in common. I just have this feeling that he’s the type of guy my parents would really like, and they are sort of hard to impress. It’s only been one date, though. He’s taking me to a movie later tonight!

I went clubbing on Saturday night with a girl friend from my English class, and that’s how I met Joshua. We met in line for the club doors when I tapped on his shoulder to see if he was a girl. He has long brown hair that he puts in a bun, and he’s tall and has a great smile. We ended up talking and I introduced him to my friend, then he introduced me to his. We danced for a while and then my friend wanted to leave so I gave him my number. He is three years older than me, graduated from the same program I am in now, and he works for a bank. He’s such a cute hipster and very chatty! He took me out to a lovely Vietnamese restaurant last night. He’s really into healthy foods and indie music, which I love, and he has a great relationship with his mom. He wants to go out again later in the week!

To be honest, I sort of thought one of these dates wouldn’t be good, but they’re all just really different people.

Self, please don’t let this turn into a huge mess.